My Advice on Singleness & Dating

A few weeks ago, I asked on Instagram what topics y’all would want me to cover on my blog. One of them was advice for setting high standards when it comes to finding the right guy. This is something I could probably write a whole book about, but for now – let’s just keep it to a blog post!

I wanted to write this post to be able to reach women of ANY age who are single or in a relationship that they are questioning and trying to decide if he is THE one. I say “any age,” because I do not think anyone is ever too young or old to hear advice on this subject. I don’t want the voice of this post to be along the lines of “I know everything about dating,” “I have a perfect relationship with my husband,” “Every relationship should look just like mine,” because believe me – OUR MARRIAGE IS NOT PERFECT. And regardless to what you may see on Instagram, NO ONE HAS A PERFECT MARRIAGE and that’s okay! I simply hope and pray that this post could give some wisdom to anyone who feels they are struggling in this department. 

Singleness

During the time I was single before meeting Cody, I was all over the place. There were times when I loved being single, times when I hated it, times when I became frustrated with God that he hadn’t put that person in my life yet, times I didn’t even want to date, etc. Shortly before I met Cody, all of my friends who were once single were now all in serious relationships, engaged, or married and that’s when it got really tough for me. All of a sudden I was the only single one in the group and it made me feel horrible.

I look back on that time of being single and wish I would have embraced it more. I wish I would have trusted in God’s plan and timing so that I could have enjoyed that time more than I did. I have always struggled with trusting in God’s timing and trying to control everything myself and I’m pretty sure I’m not alone on that one. Trust me, I know it sounds cheesy or overused, but for anyone that is single and is wanting the right person to be in their life – please try to find peace in knowing that God is in full control of it all and you can just sit back and relax until that happens.

Dating

When it comes to dating I am definitely no expert, but after dating Cody and marrying him, there are still some things I’d like to share. In the time between ending a very long relationship and meeting Cody, I really didn’t date that much. I think I went on like one Tinder date and that was it – haha! After being in a very long, dragged out and flat out horrible relationship for a long time, I had set some very high standards for the next person I would be in a relationship with. If someone didn’t match up to my exact standards, I wasn’t interested (probably why I didn’t date much during this time, haha). I think setting standards high is extremely important, but I also want to say that you need to make sure these standards are things that really matter and are not qualities based on looks, his job, etc. Focus on the qualities of his heart.

Another bit of advice that I wish I had taken more myself – don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. Don’t depend on how people meet in movies to happen to you in real life! If I were single today, I’d definitely be getting on dating apps to at least be meeting people and going on dates and feeling comfortable in a one-on-one setting. My best friend actually just got engaged to the most wonderful man that she met on Tinder! You just never know what could come from it! I know it may seem untraditional to have to make the first move, swipe right, or message a guy first, but that’s just how things are becoming these days! There will be plenty of opportunities for him to show you he is a gentleman on your first date even if you have to make the first move on an app. And if he doesn’t show you he’s a gentleman? Thank you, NEXT!

Knowing He’s THE One

Not to brag, but this one was easy for me 🙂 My dad once shared with me that God clearly showed him that when I found the right man in my life, I wouldn’t be able to control my excitement and that people would think I was crazy. He said specifically that I’d be doing cartwheels down the driveway with how excited I’d be. The cartwheels never happened, but the rest was all so true. I always think that the fact that I was so instantly sure about Cody was God’s gift to me after all I had gone through in the past.

Cody and I met at a friend’s wedding where we were both in the wedding party. We hit it off that weekend and people already thought we were crazy with how we were acting around each other. During that weekend, I didn’t think much of it because Cody lived in Houston at the time and I lived it St. Louis. The next day after the wedding party all had breakfast together, Cody asked for my phone number before we left. I really didn’t think much of it since we lived so far away from each other. He ended up Facetiming me and we would talk for hours and hours every night. He visited me two weeks later and told me he was in love with me on our first date and I said it back because I truly was and there was no doubt about it. We only dated for 8 months before getting engaged and were married 8 months after that.

I wasn’t planning on telling that whole story, but there it is. For us, we both knew right away that we would marry each other. There was never one ounce of doubt in my mind even though basically everyone around us thought we were crazy at first (and maybe still think we are)! If you are not sure if the person you are with is the one, my advice would be to focus on what it is that you love about that person and to PRAY over your relationship and that God would give you clarity.

I was so thankful God had made it clear for Cody and I. That was my prayer during the whole time I was single, but I know that is not the case for everyone and that is OKAY! Keep in mind that everyone is different and you can’t compare your relationship to other relationships. You have to trust yourself and trust what your heart is telling you. If you keep getting that gut feeling that something is not right – PRAY. If you feel yourself finding an excuse to pull away from someone that treats you so well – PRAY. Never forget that God has already written your story and that we are just reading through the chapters.

A common misconception that I once tried to make myself believe and that I often see friends trying to convince themselves of is thinking that everything gets easier with marriage and/or that marriage will solve all of your problems. Although I believe marriage is one of the most precious gifts that God gives to us on earth, it certainly is not easy and it definitely does not solve your problems! Yes, the wedding will be so much fun and such a beautiful event, but you can not get blindsided by that part of marriage!

Marriage is a commitment for the REST OF YOUR LIFE! If you are in a relationship and trying to convince yourself that you just need to get married and all will be better, PLEASE take a step back and challenge yourself to think past the wedding and honeymoon stage. You and your partner must be a team together for life! If he isn’t treating you the way you expect him to now, I promise you that will only get worse with marriage. I don’t want to scare anyone off with that part, but I just feel so strongly that thinking this way can lead to an unhealthy marriage right from the start.

So…. now that I’m pretty much done with this post, I feel like it was a bunch of unorganized rambling. This topic is so big and so personal that it is so hard to cover everything, much less make it organized. Nevertheless, I hope my experience and my take on the subject encouraged you in some way, gave you some clarity, caused you to think, or brought you some peace.

Here are some books that I read that I thought were very helpful for dating/marriage advice!

XO,

Hillary